The Cable Guy
by J. B. Tilton
Summary: Just a short nonsensical thing suggested by a friend as a joke. It's a parody so please don't be too critical.


CHARMED  
"THE CABLE GUY"  
by J. B. Tilton  
  
Rating: G  
  
Disclaimer: "Charmed" and all related characters and events are  
the property of the WB television network, except for those  
characters specifically created for this story. This is a work of fan  
fiction and no infringement of copyright is intended.  
  
* * *  
  
Just a short nonsensical thing suggested by a friend as a joke.   
It's a parody so please don't be too critical.  
  
* * *  
  
Piper looked out the living room window and scanned up and  
down the street as Phoebe came bounding down the stairs.  
  
"Still not here, yet?" asked Phoebe, looking at her watch.  
  
"No," said Piper, exasperated. "They said between nine and  
four."  
  
"Well," said Phoebe, "it's only three forty three. They still have  
seventeen minutes."  
  
"Very funny," said Piper. "I don't know why they can't give you a  
specific time. Why do they make you wait around all day before  
they show up?"  
  
"Can't answer that," said Phoebe. "I'm still trying to figure out  
why the cable has to change distributors. What was wrong with the  
old ones?"  
  
"I don't know," said Piper. "Something about changes in the law  
requiring them to make it more accessible for people to choose a  
different company or something."  
  
Suddenly the door bell rang. Piper let out a thankful sigh and  
waled over and opened the door. Standing on the porch was a  
man about thirty wearing the uniform of the local cable company.   
He had the obligatory tool belt and was holding a clipboard in his  
hand.  
  
"Halliwell?" he asked, chomping on a wad of gum in his mouth.  
  
"Yes," said Piper. "I'm glad you finally made it. I've been  
waiting all day."  
  
"Lots of calls to make," said the man. "I'll need to check your  
outlets. Then I'll check the junction box outside. Then we'll see  
what we have."  
  
"Will this take long?" asked Piper.  
  
"It will take as long as it takes, lady," said the man, still  
chomping his gum. "Can't say until I take a look."  
  
"Okay," said Piper. "Come on in."  
  
Piper told him which rooms had the cable outlets in them. Then  
she went into the kitchen to begin dinner. Phoebe sat on the sofa  
in the living room watching television while the man went through  
each room checking the outlets.  
  
Then he went outside to check the junction box. He was  
outside nearly forty minutes before he came back inside. When he  
did, he was looking over the papers on his clipboard. He walked  
into the living room where Phoebe was watching television.  
  
"Where's the lady?" he asked.  
  
"I'm her sister," said Phoebe. "I can help you. What do you  
need?"  
  
"Well," said the man, "we got a lot of work to do here. Yer  
outlets are out of date and will have to be replaced. That junction  
box is older than I am. It's gonna have to be replaced. The wires  
are showing signs of extreme wear. We'll probably have to restring  
them."  
  
"Sounds like a lot of work," said Phoebe.  
  
Just then, Piper came into the living room. The cable guy told  
her the same thing he had told Phoebe.  
  
"How long will all this take?" she asked, just a bit angry.  
  
"Can't say," said the man. "Depends on how long it takes to  
string the wires. That could be kinda tricky."  
  
"Do you smell that?" asked Phoebe suddenly. "Smells like  
sulphur."  
  
"Yeah," said the man. "Kind of an occupational hazard, you  
might say. I try to keep it down, but some times a bit of it sneaks  
through."  
  
That's when Piper and Phoebe noticed the mans' eyes were  
glowing slightly. As he spoke to them, they glowed brighter, then  
returned to their normal state. But even in their normal state, they  
glowed just slightly.  
  
"Demon," said Piper.  
  
Phoebe moved over next to Piper, ready for a fight. The man  
continued to look over the papers on his clipboard.  
  
"We're start by ripping out the outlets in the house," he said, as  
if he hadn't heard Piper. "Then, we'll pull the wires and try to  
restring them through the walls. But I gotta warn ya, a lot of time  
we have to rip out some of the walls to get the wires strung  
properly."  
  
"What do you want?" demanded Piper.  
  
"Listen, lady," said the man, "I know you don't like any of this.   
But I'm telling you there ain't no other way. We can't use the  
equipment as it is. I'm surprised you're still getting a signal with this  
stuff."  
  
"Leo," called Piper into the air. "Leo, get down here."  
  
Leo orbed in almost immediately. As he was orbing in, Paige  
and Cole came in the front door.  
  
"Hey, guys," said Paige, seeing Piper and Phoebe standing in  
the entryway, "Look who I found coming up the walk."  
  
Just then, Leo finished orbing in. The five of them stood looking  
at the cable guy who was still looking over papers on his clipboard.  
  
"He's a demon posing as a cable man," said Phoebe. "We don't  
know what he wants. He keeps going on about wires and outlets  
and such."  
  
"Okay," said the man, "like I told these ladies, we gotta rip  
everything out. It ain't gonna last much longer. And we can use  
fiber optics instead of regular wires. Should give you better  
reception."  
  
"Oh my God," said Cole. "Piper, Phoebe, tell me you didn't  
invite this guy into the house."  
  
"Yeah, we did," said Phoebe. "We thought he was the cable  
guy."  
  
"I am the cable guy," said the man. "Listen, I need to get  
started here. This is gonna be a big job and the sooner we get  
started, the quicker it will be over."  
  
"Okay," said Piper, "I've had enough of you."  
  
She raised her hands and used her explosion power on the  
demon. The power simply passed around the demon and  
exploded the inn table next to the sofa behind him.  
  
"I hope that wasn't too expensive," said the man. "At any rate, I  
ain't paying for it. Now, we need to get a little information from you  
for the work order."  
  
He snapped his fingers and a desk with a woman sitting behind  
it suddenly appeared in the living room. The woman was going  
over papers on the desk and to her left sat a stack of papers some  
two feet thick.  
  
"Gotta total redo here," said the man to the woman. "They  
seem like nice ladies. Let's use the short form. No sense making  
this any more difficult than necessary."  
  
"Okay," said the woman, grabbing the stack of papers to her  
left. "Now, who's gonna fill out the paperwork?"  
  
"Phoebe," said Piper, "we're going to need a Power of Three  
spell. Obviously my powers are going to help. We'll keep them  
busy while you write it."  
  
"That's not going to happen," said Cole. "Not even the Power of  
Three is going to help here."  
  
"Cole's right," said Leo. "These are like no other demons you've  
ever encountered. Nothing you do will help. All you can do is fill  
out the paperwork, The sooner you do, the quicker they'll leave."  
  
"Now," said the woman behind the desk, "first I need complete  
family histories. A complete list of everyone who lives in the house.   
What types of shows you usually watch, what you'd like to see,  
what you don't like, how often you watch television, what channels  
you usually watch, do you want premium channels, pay per view,  
that sort of thing.  
  
"Next, we'll need a complete sexual history on each person in  
the house. We'll also need to have complete job histories,  
beginning with the most recent job. We also need to have you list  
any periods of non-employment and the reasons for that  
non-employment. After that, we'll get started on the medical  
histories."  
  
"You're insane," said Phoebe. "I'm not filling out all that  
paperwork. You're demons. What kind of demons fill out  
paperwork?"  
  
"Bureaucracy demons," said Cole. "They're the most henious  
kind. All they care about is their paperwork. No spell, no power, no  
potion affects them. And if you annoy them, they just get worse.   
All you can do is do what they ask so they'll leave."  
  
"Now," said the woman behind the desk, "we really need to get  
started on this paperwork. Who's first?"  
  
"No," cried Piper, falling to the floor in tears.  
  
She lay on the floor sobbing as the woman behind the desk kept  
asking who was going to start the paperwork.  
  
The End  
  
If you've enjoyed this story, you can find more of my stories for a  
variety of shows and subjects at  
http://pub57.ezboard.com/bjerrysfanfictionsite. You can also post  
your stories if you like to write fan fiction. 


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